adal_armida (adal_armida) wrote in pharmadecay,

New Flesh

1. Are you:

A. female
B. male

2. Sexual Orientation:

A. heterosexual
B. gay/lesbian
C. bisexual
D. asexual

3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.)

a full-time sophomore in college, and work part-time in an office

4. How old are you currently?

19 years old

5. How old were you when you first SI-ed?

the first time i consciously self-injured was in the 8th grade

6. Why do you SI?

not for the typical "rush of endorphines" or the punishment of pain i've usually heard described by doctors/books/etc. its more of the routine of it for me, and the comfort of seeing my own blood. when i "hurt" myself, it doesnt hurt at all... if anything, it just feels irritated once it is done and healing. and well, everything always comes down to a sense of control for me...

7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others?

i usually use a razor, usually one i dismember from a disposable shaver. but ive used box cutters, linoleum cutters, wood carvers, protractors, keys, etc. for a while i would burn myself repeatedly with the hot tips of blown-out matches. rarely i'd hit myself repeatedly, in some cases slam my head int a wall.

8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?

i do not feel pain, but i have no dissociated either. i FEEL it, and i enjoy the feeling... but it doesnt hurt.

9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?

before, i usually feel very anxious and whir-winded and out of it. ill become copletely fixated on the urge and the act of self-injuring. once i SI, i regain some of my senses, and while i won't necessarily feel "better", i wont be completely all over the place and fixated and pre-occupied etc.

10. Do you have any rituals?

not sure if its a routine... but i'm hardly ever... "sudden"... when i do it. ill think about it before-hand breifly, ill get my supplies and make sure i get the privacy i need, ill get the bandages and make sure to act non-chalant once it is over.

11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught? 

i've been caught... not AS i was doing it, but like, immediately afterwards. ive done it in public places when ive needed to. then there was the time i went to the hospital, and obviously i think i'd consider that "caught"

12. Do you anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?

i had an old friend who used to, but she moved back to russia when i was 16. my best friend say's she's had problems with self-injury, but it isnt an addiction for her... for her its very sporadic, and she can stop herself. and well, my ex dabbled with it, but again, it wasn't an addiction sort of thing.

13. How do you hide your SI?

most of the time. i didn't used to all the time with my ex, but with everyone else and now i always hide it. well, except during sex of course lol but the person i'm currently with never notices even though he knows - go figure lol

14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?

at first no one but my one friend (the one who moved to russia), but eventually a few other close friends found out. and well, then when i was hospitalized people i didnt particularly want to know found out anyway. and then, well, i told my current boyfriend since its unavoidable because of scarring/new wounds etc.

15. How did they react and what did you feel?

its always a mixed reaction. anywhere from concern and sympathy and understanding, to fear, to complete misunderstanding and anger and rejection.

16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?

either because i felt they would understand, because they found out anyways, or by no will of my own.

17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did?

some things are easier, some things are harder. those who know stop asking questions (sometimes). other times, they start becoming very aware and quite a nusaince. and well, once i was hospitalized and forced into therapy, everyone expected me to be better... so it became especially hard, specifically with my mother, who never understood and till this day will become extremely angry at any indication or mention or sign of my SI.

18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?

ive tried and stopped for periods of time in the past, but to no avail. the longest was recently, for five months, but i just relapsed about 2 weeks ago. in an alternate universe, things seem like they would be so much easier if i didnt have this problem. but then... i cant imagine living without it... and i cant imagine NEVER wanting to go back to SI atleast sometimes during my life. i think, in compromise, for now i can look towards.... limiting... my SI. which i have indeed been trying to do.

19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?

SLEEP. smoking (the whole reason i started smoking when i was 14 lol). eating (i have a whole history of emotional/compulsive eating since early childhood lol). painting/drawing, my kitty.... but as most people know who deal with SI, almost nothing ever really replaces it entirely...

20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals?

yes. i had ER services and inpatient hospitalization. i've met hostility, misunderstanding, coldness... feeling like i was just another work-place procedure or something... but then my therapist is amazingly sweet... so basically, everyone sucks but her lol.

21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure?


22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication?

i've been on and off different meds in the past 2 years: zoloft, prozac, abilify, wellbutrin, concerta

23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?


24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:

Disordered Eating (not a diagnosed eating disorder)
Bipolar (speculation only... danm doctors will never figure it out... but if i do, i lean more towards depression)
Borderline Personality
Post Traumatic Stress
Obsessive Compulsive

Anxiety/Panic Attacks
Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality
Alcohol/Drug Addiction
Other: acute agoraphobia and social anxiety

25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question)

emotional and sexual abuse (not rape/intercourse)

26. Comments? Would you like to describe any aspect of self-injury? Feel free to put whatever you think or feel, etc. down.

i've decided joining an SI community would be good for me... that a community where there are other who understand the addiction that is SI and the love/hate relationship one has with it, would really help me since ive just recently relapsed and am not sure i want to keep trying (for the good/wishes of others) to really stop...

Please post a picture (or pictures), of yourself.

excuse the myriad of pictures... i like to play with my crappy little digital camera...



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