. (napalm_lullaby) wrote in pharmadecay,

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new flesh

1. Are you:

A. female
B. male

2. Sexual Orientation:

A. heterosexual
B. gay/lesbian
C. bisexual
D. asexual

3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.)
high school student.

4. How old are you currently?

5. How old were you when you first SI-ed?
scratches and bruises... i was fourish. burns and such.. i was eight. hardKore cutting... i was eleven or twelve

6. Why do you SI?
it's a compulsion now. i don't copmpletely comprehend what i'm doing. this is not to say i "black out" completely. after the first one or two, i normally come back, but... that doesn't belong here. because i punish myself for everything i've done wrong and every person i've hurt. (ironic, no?)

7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others?
now, most of it is cutting.

8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?
while i'm doing it, i don't feel it. i don't need to. i don't care. i guess that's me dissociating.

9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?
before... i'm usually pissed. or hurt. or vengeful. during, i go completely blank and afterward i hate myself.

10. Do you have any rituals?
everyhting has to be clean and i have to be able to see everything. the site itself usually isn't too big, and lately i've gotten weird about it: always in clustered sets of seven.

11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?
i've SI-ed in front of people, before i figured out it wasn't "normal". i got caught once or twice, but they pretended that i wasn't slicing myself open.

12. Do you know anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?
i don't think anyone really influenced me to do it by example, no

13. How do you hide your SI?
i wear clothes. when i'm stupid, i have a wrist cuff that i wear with those cheesy jelly bracelets. i don't do it in places that people normally check or that they can easily see.

14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?
most people know now. my youth minister, my friends, the people i've dated, the people i smoke with, my parents

15. How did they react and what did you feel?
only a couple of people got stand-offish with me. there have been ultimatums(right word and spelling?) issued, but none of it did any good. i don't regret it or feel remorseful anymore; consider it my way of smoking or drinking when i'm not yet 18 or 21 or whatever

16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?
because it came up in conversation somehow. not everyone needs to know, but if they ask and are old enough to take it, they're smart enough to figure it out. little kids that happen to see? i was climbing a wire fence and it caught me.

17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did?
nothing's really changed...except my parents handle me with kid-gloves, which is ridiculous. my mom told me that she's afraid to lose her temper because i'll go off and hurt myself. it doesn't work like that and i wanted to destroy someone.

18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?
i'm not sure i want to stop or not. i've stopped paying attention to it and treating it like a big deal. i just don't talk about it. unless someone close to me talks about it or brings it up or asks... yeah

19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?
not really. i drink, i smoke, i try to write. i don't really have people to talk to and i never have. so i can't really talk it off.

20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals?
none of it has been life-threatening. i OD'd once and the nurses saw scars... on my leg and thought they were suicide scars or something... no. there are many that i should have gotten stitched and bled for... fifteen, sixteen hours... but pride won't let me go into a hospital or doctor's office for stitches on something i did to myself. i've seen how doctors look at you. how they treat you and are rougher with their stitches because they figure, "you did it to yourself, you can take this." No.

21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure?
i went to a shrink for a few months. she pretty much told me i was a bad person and my friends were a horrible influence on me and tht i should forget them all and try to be one of the people everyone's in love with.

22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication?
i quit taking it. it was useless and kept me high for three years. i couldn't see straight, couldn't think straight, couldn't control myself. because it was an SSRI and i don't need that. i just think differently and people don't know how to take that.

23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?
i walked out of her office and never went back, does that count?

24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:

Borderline Personality
Post Traumatic Stress
Obsessive Compulsive
Anxiety/Panic Attacks
Dissociative Identity/
Multiple Personality
Alcohol/Drug Addiction

25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question)
i plead the fifth, it will probably come out later.

26. Comments? Would you like to describe any aspect of self-injury? Feel free to put whatever you think or feel, etc. down.
it's better than the medication. i don't mind discreet itching while it heals. i don't mind the witch hazel, peroxide, alum and bandages. i don't mind it. it's a far cry better than taking medications that are supposed to make it "better"

Please post a picture (or pictures), of yourself.
(i'm the one on the far right)
  (waking up from a nap in freshman algebra. age 14)
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