bleu (xbleu) wrote in pharmadecay,
bleu
xbleu
pharmadecay

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OK, I hope I did the cut thing right ...

1. Are you:
A. female

2. Sexual Orientation:
A. heterosexual
D. asexual

(I go back and forth.)


3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.)
nedical claims student/artist


4. How old are you currently?
25

5. How old were you when you first SI-ed?
15

6. Why do you SI?
Lots of reasons. Depends on the episode, I guess. Mostly its a compuslive thing. "I must do this or die!"

7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others?
cutting ... burning if I can't cut

8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?
sometimes I feel pain, usually not

9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?
Before;
I feel chaotic, out of control, filled up with these dark feelings and half formed thoughts.
During;
Completely focused on what I'm doing but dissociated a lot of the time; as if I were a surgeon cutting someone else's skin.
After;
Ashamed, disgusted, emotionally wrung out, relief.


10. Do you have any rituals?
I only use two knives to cut with; I always light a Dragon's Blood incense before I start; I prefer to listen to either Tori Amos or Chevelle during and after; if possible, I like to curl up and go to sleep immediately after and then clean up the mess when I wake up.

11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?
Once when I was infuriated at my boyfriend for telling me to 'suck it up and deal with it' I slashed my arm up and then waved it in front of him while I was bleeding everywhere ... Looking back, that was extremely cruel, manipulative and useless. I shouldn't have done ...

12. Do you know anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?
Yes ... My sister did. She started after I did though ... I wouldn't say she influences my behaviour.

13. How do you hide your SI?
Most of the time I don't. I just pretend like its not there. If its really nasty looking I'll wear long sleeves or opera gloves.

14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?
Yes ... Very close friends, boyfriend, usually I'm pretty open about it online.

15. How did they react and what did you feel?
With disgust ... I felt like ... Ok, I knew *that* was coming.

16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?
I told because I was tired of trying to keep this big bad secret all to myself. I'm a very honest and blunt person. Kind of ... In your face ... Sometimes.

17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did?
It was easier when no one knew.

18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?
Sometimes I do. When I think about having kids, I don't want to screw up my kids the way I was screwed up. I'd want to be a good mom who my kids know they can talk to about ANYTHING. I wouldn't want them to feel like they couldn't come to me with things because it might 'push me over the edge' or something. That and who wants a psycho for a mommy?

19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?
I sketch or paint, sing (only if I'm alone, I have a good voice but I'm shy), play with my kitten, Chloe.

20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals?
No. There have been a couple times I probably should have but I'm too scared after hearing about what some other people have dealt with.

21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure?
I went to a therapist one time. I wish I could get more help.

22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication?
No.

23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?
No.

24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:
Depression
Post Traumatic Stress
Obsessive Compulsive
Anxiety/Panic Attacks
Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality
Yes, I deleted the ones I don't have.


25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question)
Yes.

26. Comments? Would you like to describe any aspect of self-injury? Feel free to put whatever you think or feel, etc. down.
No, thank you.

Please post a picture (or pictures), of yourself.


Got a little gung ho with the pictures there didn't I?
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