Jessicka (glass_vein) wrote in pharmadecay,

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Mod post.

Hey guys, I thought I should follow my own rules and fill out the app.

1. Are you:

A. female

2. Sexual Orientation:

A. heterosexual

3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.) Student at Uni, and I also work in TV as a sound/VT op.

4. How old are you currently? 21

5. How old were you when you first SI-ed? 14

6. Why do you SI? I really don't know anymore. It changes. Sometimes it's because I want to escape. Sometimes it's because I feel I deserve to bleed, sometimes I just want to see how much I can handle.

7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others? Cutting is my main method. I have hit, burned, dug pieces of skin out, bit myself and ripped hair out.

8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated? It depends on where I cut. If I cut on my wrist where it is all basically scar tissue, I don't feel it until it is somewhat deep. Other times, I defnitely do feel it. I have dissociated a few times, but thankfully it is not a regular occurence.

9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI? Before I usually feel hopeless. During I feel powerful, yet scared. After I feel relaxed.

10. Do you have any rituals? Yes. I get my bandages and tissues out before I cut. I place tissues under where I cut and then cut. After which I clean my mess up and lie down and feel.

11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught? Absolutely not. I have nearly been caught, but thankfully haven't.

12. Do you anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior? I have a close friend who SI's, but it doesn't influence me.

13. How do you hide your SI? I always wear a wristband or a wide-strapped watch. I try to wear long sleeves 24/7 and I always wear skirts or tights to cver my thighs.

14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who? Yes, My friend who also SI's, my shrinks, a few close friends, my mum and my sister. Oh, and ex-b/fs because, well, they were going to find out anyway.

15. How did they react and what did you feel? They were either shocked or knew it was going on. They just really wanted to help, but most of them didn't understand it at all. I felt guilty and terrified.

16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not? I kind of had to. It was getting to a point where I was going to the ER and the doctors were threatening me, telling me that they would call my mother and tell her. I felt that they people close to me had a right to know.

17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did? It has made things both easier and more difficult. Easier in that I know that if I get into trouble, I can call one of them. Harder because I feel really uncomfortable talking about it to them, and I hate it when they see bloody tissues and immediately assume it's because of cutting (which it usually is). I hate being 'guarded', for example, the other day my friend walked in on me in the shower because she thought I had been in there too long and was cutting. I appreciate the sentiment, but it hurts that I can't be trusted.

18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why? I don't know. I do because I am terrified I will eventually kill myself. I know I will. It is just not enough anymore. But I don't want to stop because I feel as though I have not done enough damage to myself yet.

19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they? I don't really have any.

20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals? Yes. It varied. From Supportive to cold and deliberately nasty.

21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure? Yes and yes.

22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication? Yeah, Effexor XR and Seroquel. Both of which I want to change.

23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI? Not yet.

24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:

Depression Yes
Bipolar I have been called Bipolar, but I don't know if I believe it.
Borderline Personality - Everyone that SI's will eventually be painted as a BPD. It is almost fucking standard these days.
Post Traumatic Stress
Obsessive Compulsive
Anxiety/Panic Attacks Yes
Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality
Alcohol/Drug Addiction

25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question) Yes. All of the above.

26. Comments? Would you like to describe any aspect of self-injury? Feel free to put whatever you think or feel, etc. down.
I just want it to be deep enough so that I can feel.

Please post a picture (or pictures), of yourself.

I am the one with black hair.

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